My first major relationship was like this. At the time, it felt really passionate, like it was us versus the world. In hindsight, it was exceptionally unhealthy and Im much better not being in it.
Poor Boundaries and Neediness
People do not have boundaries because they have a high level of neediness (or in psych terms, codependence). Individuals who are needy or codependent have a desperate need for love and love from others. To get this love and affection, they compromise their identity and eliminate their borders.
( Ironically, its the absence of identity and limits that makes them unattractive to the majority of people in the first place.).
People who blame others for their own feelings and actions do so due to the fact that they think that if they put the obligation on those around them, theyll receive the love theyve constantly wanted and needed. Eventually someone will come to save them if they continuously paint themselves as a victim.
Individuals who take the blame for other individualss actions and emotions are always looking to conserve someone. They believe that if they can “repair” their partner, then they will get the love and gratitude theyve always desired.
Predictably, these two types of people are drawn highly to one another. Their model for a “pleased” relationship is one based on neediness and poor limits.
Paradoxically, they both stop working entirely in meeting the others requirements. They both just serve to perpetuate the neediness and low self-confidence that is keeping them from getting their psychological requirements fulfilled. The victim creates a growing number of problems to solve and the saver resolves and fixes, but the love and gratitude theyve constantly required are never really transmitted to one another.
Poor Boundaries and Expectations.
In Models, when I discuss credibility, I describe how in relationships, whenever something is offered with an ulterior intention, with the expectation of something in return, when something is not given as a “present,” then it loses its value. Then its useless and empty, if its self-serving.
This is what takes place in these codependent relationships. The victim develops issues not due to the fact that there are real problems, but since they think it will trigger them to feel liked. The saver does not save the victim due to the fact that they really appreciate the problem, however due to the fact that they think if they repair the issue they will feel liked. In both cases, the intentions are needy and therefore unattractive and self-sabotaging.
If the saver really wished to save the victim, the saver would state, “Look, youre blaming others for your own problems, handle it yourself.” That would be in fact liking the victim.
The victim, if they actually enjoyed the saver, would state, “Look, this is my issue, you do not need to repair it for me.” That would be really liking the saver.
Thats not precisely what usually occurs …
The Vicious Cycle of Poor Boundaries.
Savers and victims both get kind of a psychological high off one another. Its like a dependency they meet in one another, and when presented with mentally healthy individuals to date, they usually feel bored or a lack of “chemistry.” Theyll pass on healthy, secure individuals due to the fact that the safe partners solid limits will not thrill the loose psychological boundaries of the clingy individual.
From an Attachment Theory perspective, victims tend to be anxious-attachment types, and savers tend to be avoidant-attachment types. Or as I like to call them: crazy people and assholes. Both often press away secure-attachment types.
For the victim, the hardest thing to do on the planet is to hold themselves liable for their sensations and their life rather than others. Theyve spent their entire presence believing they need to blame others in order to feel any intimacy or love, so letting that go is terrifying.
For the saver, the hardest thing to do on the planet is to stop fixing other individualss issues and attempting to force them to be happy and satisfied. For them, theyve spent their entire lives just feeling valued and loved when they were fixing a problem or offering an use to somebody, so letting go of this requirement is scary to them.
When both begin the process of building self-confidence that they can begin to remove needy habits and make themselves more appealing, it is just. Later in this post, I will show you how to break out of this vicious circle. Read on.
( Side note: I specify in my book that clingy habits makes you unattractive to many individuals by limiting you to individuals of a comparable level of neediness, i.e., the saying that you are everybody you end up dating. If you end up just drawing in low self-esteem slobs, then you are likely a low self-esteem slob yourself.
Poor Boundaries and Intimate Relationships
I believe border problems are the most challenging to deal with at the family level. You can constantly discard that ass-hat of a boyfriend/girlfriend, a divorce is always but a call or twelve away, however you can never dump your moms and dads.
If you have limit concerns in your family, then its extremely likely you have them in your romantic relationships also. And your relationships are the very best location to start repairing them.
Opportunities are at some point youve remained in a relationship that felt like a roller coaster: when things were great, they were excellent; when things were bad, they were a disaster. And there was an almost-predictable oscillation in between the two– two weeks of bliss, followed by one week of hell, followed by a month of bliss, followed by a dreadful break up and after that a significant reunion. Its a trademark of a codependent relationship and normally represents 2 people incapable of strong individual boundaries.
Individuals lack borders due to the fact that they have a high level of neediness (or in psych terms, codependence). People who are clingy or codependent have a desperate need for love and love from others. Naturally, these two types of people are drawn strongly to one another.( Side note: I state in my book that needy behavior makes you unappealing to many individuals by limiting you to people of a comparable level of neediness, i.e., the adage that you are everybody you end up dating.
Its a trademark of a codependent relationship and normally represents 2 people incapable of strong individual limits.